crying out

ok, so here's the deal....in the last year...i have....

been to the ER at least eight times, i have actually lost count....(no, none of those are for baby reasons)......

spent at least 16 nights in the hospital....(again, kinda lost count) sad, isn't it?

been unable to do sooo many normal things that people take for granted EVERY single day (run errands, go shopping, drive a car, sit upright all the time, go on dates with their spouse, run and play with their kids).....

been poked and prodded more times than i can possibly count....literally, my veins are pin cushions for sure....

recovered from one illness, just to simply face another....spinal fluid leak....heals...then adrenal insuffieciancy...still not healed..but still, i faced a ruptured ovarian cyst....two more adrenal crisis.....bronchitis that sent me to ER....severe gluten intolerance.....multiple difficulties with tapering crazy steroids.....now back to possible spinal fluid leak AGAIN.....

spent tens of thousands upon tens of thousands of dollars to our good ol' pals blue cross blue shield and countless other docs, lab corps, etc.....

had to look into my babies' eyes and answer questions like "when are the doctors going to fix you, mama?" and "why can't you just come home now?" and "did you ask the nurses and the doctors if you can come home yet, mama, i miss you!"......

lived every single day in some sort of pain, taking some sort of drug.......

PSALM 57:2 "I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills {his purpose} for me."

as i lie here in this particular hospital bed for the 8th night in a row....i am crying out to my God. i want so badly to fulfill His purpose.

I KNOW HE IS GOOD.
I KNOW HE IS WORKING THROUGH THIS.
I KNOW HE IS HERE WITH ME.

but you know what else???

i also know enough about Him to know He knows my heart and he hears it breaking right now. He know how much i miss my children, my husband, my home, MY NORMAL LIFE. He knows how weary my body is from being in pain. He knows my fear as i face test after test, unanswered questions from befuddled doctors.

my faith muscles have been worked out so hard this year, you wouldn't even believe it. no, seriously. i used to look like the skinny little guy who holds up the flag when a tennis ball goes out of bounds at Wimbledon. but, now, i feel like, if you could picture those big guys who compete in those competitions where they pull cars and throw kegs of beer over their shoulders like they were bags of sugar.....that's how i feel. well, sort of.

i feel like after facing all of this, i should look that way. but...oooh i would be lying to you if i told you i feel like that all the time. most of the time i feel like the little tennis ball guy, zipped up in a costume stuffed with pillows to make me look like the mega-strong man. and then i remember...
romans 8:1 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"

fortunately, i have been trying to learn not to be LED by my feelings. oooh, as a member of the fairer gender, and an admittedly emotional basketcase.......that ain't easy, let me tell you.

and tonight, i am just plain sad. that's all there is to it. i thought that this plan the doctors had would work and i might get to experience some relief from pain today and maybe go home tomorrow. instead, once again i find myself in pain, no closer to going home, and disappointed. so, i will just have to do what i've done sooooo many nights these last ten months and go to God with it before bed. i am so thankful He can handle my dramatic moments. He can handle my true emotions. He knows i love Him. He knows i want to be faithful to His will through all this. but He also knows i am only human. and this has been a looong, hard road. thankfully, i have not gone alone. He has given me AMAZING family and friends to support me...Scripture, songs, books, sermons, everything i need.....when i need it.

tonight, i just needed to cry out. this post isn't well-written. i probably won't even check it over. i just wanted to get it all off my chest. i wanted anyone who cared to read to know that i am sad. i miss my home, the sounds, the smells, the sweet voices that yell my name, the looks i share with ryan throughout the evening....all of it. i miss it terribly. i cannot wait to go home. but i love you Lord and i trust you. give me your added peace and strength, i cannot do this without you, nor do i want to try. so, regardless of my "feelings" tonight God, i cry out to you....

hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."