fall risk

wow, this has been tough. i have been wanting to write for a while, but these stinkin' headaches have been killing me....ugh. we are now on day four of this particular hospital stay. (i have been in the hospital four times over the past year, in case anyone was keeping count....well, anyone besides blue cross blue shield) i have been thinking and praying a lot over these last few days. i've had a lot of time with God, thankful for that...not crazy about the scenery, of course.

today, at least, God has really been speaking to me about this little yellow band i am wearing. they gave it to me in the ER when i arrived because i was so dizzy every time i stood up, it was one of my major symptoms. it is a simple little bracelet...like the plastic-y (yes, that's a word) kind we used to pass out at camp when kids would pass the swim test. but this one has, in big bold letters, FALL RISK printed on it. big bold letters for everyone to see.

did i tell you about my socks? this is even more of a warning for ya. i am currently wearing (and have been for four days now) these lovely bright yellow socks with white grippers on them (both sides, by the way). these are the socks for the "FALL RISK" people to wear. just to give you a visual, they are similar looking to the totes brand of socks that you can buy at Christmastime to keep your little feetsies warm and slip-free on the cold tile floor. mine, like i mentioned, have grippers on the top and the bottom. my family members and i have had plenty of time to theorize about why they might do this...maybe so they can be frugal and just flip them over when one side wears out?......maybe in case older people get confused and don't know which way is up?...maybe because it just looks cooler, or as cool as those kind of socks can?......but as it turns out, these socks tend to slip around on the foot (ironic, if you ask me) and so they put grippers on both sides, just in case. hmm, interesting.

regardless, mine are bright neon yellow and are yet another warning to anyone within a 20 foot radius (or even further if they own a decent pair of binoculars) that i am, in fact, a FALL RISK. i am unstable on my feet...cannot walk on my own....prone to falling....have a history of falling.....am always in meed of assistance.....you get the idea.

the longer i stared at these words, the more annoyed i became. do i really have to be labeled like this??? and the more i thought about my God....and about the enemy of my soul. John 10:10 tells us that "the enemy comes ONLY to steal, kill and destroy" and i know this to be true. as i have shared in previous blogs, my gracious and loving God has been dealing with me on the issue of worry and fear. and as i mentioned at the beginning of this particular blog, i have been in and out of the hospital for years now.....in pain...often with no real answers as to what in the world is going on. satan has worked very, very hard to steal my joy, kill my hope, and destroy my dreams. he for sure has noticed my FALL RISK bracelet this time as well.

i definitely feel as though i have fallen down quite a bit over these last months and months. to be honest, this has taken quite an emotional toll on me....as i have felt better at times, and then something sort of huge like this week happens and knocks me back quite a bit. i probably shouldn't be so fragile. i probably shouldn't fall quite so easily. i really should be stronger. and, thanks to the strength God has given me, i truly have been strong most days, and even some nights. :) but i have fallen. more than once. more than twice. but i praise God that i have not stayed down.

i am also praising God that i don't have to go through this alone. i am so very thankful that He has shown up to support me and encourage me, love on me and lift me up....

whether it be through the amazing lyrics of a praise song on my adorable, little blue ipod (bought for me by someone who loves me more than i know) during one of these massive headaches....

hearing the voice of a dear friend at just the right time, their voice of encouragement meaning more to me than they know......

maybe it is just staring at my man...the man i have been in love with since i was 18, and smiling as i think back at how super far God has brought us and can't help but be reminded of His faithfulness to us both......

an amazing letter filled with the truth of His Word and with the fun memories of my "little sis"...something i will treasure forever.......

re-reading a Scripture that i had forgotten about, but that is perfect and poignant and exactly what i need, exactly when i need it......

the JOY that filled my heart at the sound of my boys coming around the corner today to come and visit me....there are no words.....

hearing the beep of my phone and receiving txt after txt of my prayer warriors standing their post for me once again.....

a surprise visit from a friend that has known and loved me for 22 years, through so very much....too much.....

then there's all the quiet moments i have had to just sit and be still....in His presence....something i truly am thankful for.....

my view from this hospital bed is limited. i stare at that blank wall across from me, which contains the mounted tv, a clock that ticks oh so slowly sometimes and i noticed something that really caught my eye...maybe because it is also bright yellow and matches my FALL RISK ensemble....and i realized that there is a reason it matches..it is a reminder for us FALL RISK people....a note just for me.....and you know what it says.....

CALL, DON'T FALL! ask for assistance whenever getting up! please help prevent falls and fall related injuries.

that hit me.

dear me, you do not have to do this on your own...CALL ME...don't fall. when you feel like you are about to fall, call ME instead. be aware of it. help PREVENT falls. CALL ME often. i love you, Jesus.

last night was so hard. i felt so very awful. so much had piled up on top of me. the enemy was right there waiting, happy to point out my FALL RISK bracelet. but, thanks be to GOD for His faithfulness ONCE AGAIN.....and thanks for the truth in these words from The Word.

1 peter 5:6-7 "humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand, that He may LIFT YOU UP in due time. cast ALL of your cares on Him, because HE CARES FOR YOU."

phil 4:6-7 "do not worry about anything, but in EVERYTHING, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends ALL understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus."

so...maybe you aren't actually wearing a FALL RISK bracelet right this very minute. maybe you are, but you are the only one who can see it. trust me...you aren't the only one. the enemy can see it...but MORE IMPORTANTLY....our great God can see it. and the FAITH that you have in HIM is all you need. (eph 6:16 " in addition to all of this, take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish ALL the flaming arrows of the evil one.")

as for me, i will go to bed again tonight, in this lovely hospital bed, wearing my neon yellow socks.... and i will rest in the fact that i am not in control, but that i love the One who is. easier said than done soemtimes...but i'm doing it. rest i will. i pray you do too.