june 1st...

here we are at june 1st....really? i must admit...at the opening of every month, at least lately, i have had a bittersweet moment. actually quite a few. i am proud to announce that today, at least so far...and yes, it is barely even a sunlit morning yet...it is more sweet than bitter. why, you ask? well, at least lately when we have hit february and march, and ESPECIALLY april and then may...the first thought in my mind was, "i can't believe it is the month of ________ and i am still sick!" surely, i thought i would be better by now. surely. and here we are, and it is june....SUMMER and i am still not well. still no healing. still not "back to my old self" like everyone wishes that i'd be. june. summer. i guarantee that if you would have told me back in NOVEMBER when all this started that i still wouldn't feel good come summer, i would have not believed you. then, i probably would have cried. that kind of ugly cry that no one likes to be around. i'm glad i didn't know that then. i couldn't have handled it then. it's hard enough handling it now. but at least now, i have God's grace to sustain me. God's grace doesn't go into the future. it is here with me for today.
some of fall, all of winter, all of spring and here i am welcoming in summer...still in pain. still no real answers or an end in sight. sometimes i have to sit real still and concentrate real hard to try and remember what "the old me" was really like. what was it like, for instance...to be able to walk around a grocery store? run an errand with my kiddos? play at the park? go for our daily family walks in the evening? jump on the trampoline? sit upright through a whole church service? ok.....gotta stop, this is when i go to a bad place. i am blessed. God, you are SOOO good. but i gotta admit..the very second you, sovereign God are ready for me to be done with this, i am all about it! your plan is perfect. your way is perfect. thank you for helping me every day to trust you more. thank you for helping me to not grow a bitter heart. and for when i do try to grow it a little, thank you for cutting it up quick! trust me people, it is kinda hard...when all i hear sometimes from people on facebook is how stressed they are because they have too much to do, shopping for fun things, building a new house, going to NRH2O, vacations, running in races.....and meanwhile, on my very best days, i can't do a load of dishes, change a diaper, put some laundry in...without paying the price. GOD - THANK YOU THAT I CAN SEE. THANK YOU I DON'T HAVE CANCER. THANK YOU MY CHILDREN ARE HEALTHY!!!! THANK YOU MY HUSBAND STILL LOVES ME AND PUTS UP WITH MY JUNK!!!!! as i sit here in my backyard that i have grown to love meeting with God with every day...i am thankful for so much. i am thankful, that here on June 1st, i am not in as much pain as i was on December 1st, or january 1st. no ice pack on my head (for those of you who remember those days :) i am thankful that i can move around some....in fact, i plan to DRIVE MYSELF to my doctor this morning. that is my big event for the morning. but, oh how free-ing (is that a word?) that will be for me. i can't even tell you. then, this afternoon i have a double dose, i REALLY want to watch the boys at gymnastics and jacob at tball...not sure i can pull them both off, but boy am i going to try! thank you God that i can even fathom sitting up at both of these things today. thank you for kissing only some of the leaves on my trees this morning with your sunlight, it is such a pretty picture. and thank you for psalm 18:30 "as for God, His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for ALL who take refuge in Him." i have absolutely taken refuge in you God. i have taken refuge and taken up residence. i never want to move. your Presence is my peace. thank you. thank you. thank you. welcome June. welcome.