ever feel like a diaper champ?

ok, so when i first had children...i admit i wanted the brand name of everything....i wanted the diaper genie...the baby bjorn....the huggies....the graco carseat.....only the best. now, we are on kid #3...and although i still stand behind huggies (all else had pretty much failed me...literally, all over my clothes. my lap. no one else's. therefore, i retain all diaper choosing rights.) but the rest of it, i don't care much about. we have moved on to the diaper champ. i think it is ridiculous to have to buy the refills of the other one. i am perfectly happy with the "off brand"-ness of this version...after all, let's stop for a second people...this thing is going to be holding the poopy diapers of my darling baby, right. does a brand name really matter? c'mon.

for those of you who don't know, a diaper genie or a diaper champ is a brilliant invention. whoever thought the thing up was clearly a mom. (maybe not, but i think so it must have been.) either that, or it was a dad who had innocently and probably ignorantly, agreed to dispose of all diapers, and then realized the sheer VOLUME of diapers that one small baby can produce and got tired of the (never realized before how) loooong walk out to the garage. so, this contraption allows you to put a stinky diaper in, wave the magic wand,(i.e. engage the handle), and then the diaper goes down into the shoot and then the thing seals away the odor. it is great. you can keep doing this until the thing is full and then you just empty and repeat. genius.

so, back to my story. brand names aside. it doesn't matter what name is on the outside. what matters is on the inside. literally. i was reminded of this, this morning, when once again i walked into sweet abigail's room and was greeted with "that" smell. you know the smell. the smell that says to me that daddy shoved a few too many poopy diapers in there, shook the thing around, stomped on it, wiggled the handle and forced an extra one (personally, i think he shoved three or four down there) down, in order not to have to ("get" to) be the one who has to change out the trash bag. it is the ol' "who has to make the new batch of lemonade" logic. when i was growing up, the rule of the house was, whoever finished off the lemonade was supposed to make the next batch. no problem. we (including my step-dad :) realized that if you left about 0.7 ounces in the bottom of the pitcher that you technically hadn't "finished off" the lemonade and therefore weren't responsible for making the next match. brilliant. of course, it didn't work, but we thought it would. nope. same with the diaper champ. if you could somehow manage to shake the thing around, bang it on the ground and borderline break the thing so that you could squeeeeze one more diaper down there, you don't have to be the one to change out the trash bag. and trust me on this one...you DO NOT want to be the one who has to change the trash bag.

this leads me to where God spoke to me today. funny of all places. God spoke to me through a diaper pail. yup. ya see....i really didn't want to be the one to change the trash bag. but it HAD to be changed, let me say that again....HAAAAD to be changed. i think even abigail was beginning to complain, and she is 15 months old. you see, if you try and try to put it off, and try and try to shove more stank (yes, at this point, we have moved beyond stink, to flat out stank) down in there, eventually the seal, designed to hold the smell in, doesn't work. it wasn't designed to hold all that in. the whole room begins to smell. the contraption designed for your convenience has now polluted your sweet baby's whole nursery. ouch. you don't sleep in there with that smell. you don't have to live with it.

that is my point. that diaper champ is my heart. and lately, i have been stuffing more and more stanky diapers in. i mean, let's face it....we all stuff a few stinky ones in here and there. we are sinners after all. we live in a completely warped, messed up world, surrounded my warped, messed up people, and those are just the ones sitting next to us at church. but lately, i really have been trying to push the envelope...trying to shake the thing around and squeeze in a few more than i should.....and i didn't even really know it. it isn't the huge stuff....i don't murder, steal, commit adultery, do drugs, etc. (whew, glad to clear that up, eh?) but ooohhh those "little" ones creep in...covet, jealousy, envy....those sneak in for sure. (by the way, there are no "little" ones, so don't start to feel better about yourselves if you do it too. they are all big. they are all bad. they all stank.)

and my heart is not designed for it. at least not anymore. thankfully. when i became a Christian. i traded my heart in for a new one. and God has the power to give me a whole new heart. (see Ezekiel 26) the problem is, we still have free will. we still can choose to stuff stank in. lately, as i have been feeling a little better and trying to "do" more around the house and for our family, i have been able to be "out there" more. and being "out there" more has reminded me of how hard it is "out there". i have been, in just the last few weeks (and i'm just being honest here)....jealous of a friend who has a beautiful new minivan when we drive old(10 years and 19 years), beat up vans.....been envious of friends whose husbands make a ton of money and "seem" to be able to buy all they want with no worries and don't have to do without their favorite snack because it wasn't in the food budget this week.....wished i could go work out like one friend of mine who is training for a marathon, because athletics and sports used to be WHO I WAS, but instead i still can hardly still walk up and down my driveway.....i've judged other friends of mine for their life choices because, i, after all, have it all figured out and think that i know the best way for women/moms/wives to behave (ugh, my pride makes me wanna hurl sometimes)......oh people i could go on and on...but i honestly think you have the idea. and i'm starting to make myself sick at this point and i assume you are feeling the same. the point is this.....all of these things are dirty diapers people. dirty, stanky diapers. and i am CHOOSING to shove them down into my heart. a heart that is not designed to hold them. it builds and builds and if i'm not careful, and i mean, real careful....it gets full....quick. and guess who it affects? that's right....those i love.

after a loooooong day of being around my darling three kiddos. (who i love and treasure but who flat wear me out sometimes) ok, it was father's day and i tried soooo hard to let daddy do absolutely everything and anything he wanted to and i would handle the kids, but it wore me out. i was "cuggling" with jacob, my eldest (who is almost 6) and i asked him a question....by the way...be sooo careful about what you ask your kids about you..they are honest and it can be brutal. i said, "baby, if you could change one thing about mommy, what would it be?" and without hesitation, he replied, "all your angry voices at me." ouch. stank.

the stank comes out. it comes out all over my man and my kids and my friends and my family. and it looks and smells ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like my Jesus. the more and more i stuff down in there, the more the stench overflows into my life and all over those i love. and, even worse...to those i don't know. to those who just see me with the fish on my van, or the verse on the back of my t-shirt.....ugh.

so, here i am today, i took a few deep breaths in, ya know... to get my lungs prepared for what they were about to have to endure......held my breath.....opened the diaper champ....and tried to quickly pull out the old, overflowing bag of yucky, stanky diapers...so i could get that thang out to the garage...and hurriedly replace it with a fresh new bag. confess it all to God. it wasn't pretty. it was then that it hit me.....if i had just changed the thing when i was supposed to, it would not only have been easier, it wouldn't have smelled nearly as bad. if i would have just dealt with my junk like the diaper champ was designed to, like God had designed for me to....life would be easier....when will i learn? when will i learn?

thank you God that by your strength, by your grace and love can i be anything worth anything. thank you that you see my disgusting heart and love me anyway. thank you that you can speak to me through a diaper pail. thank you that you love me anyway. because of your great love, though i am dead to this sin, you make me alive (eph 2:4-5) i owe you everything. keep working on me God. i know you will. i cling to that promise. i love you, amen.