down time...

so here we are...sitting around the house. i love it. i love, love, love having nothing to do. two out of three are napping and we have just be chilin all day. in a world that seems to be ADDICTED to busyness, i love that my man is a homebody. i love that neither of us feel the need to enroll each of our offspring in eight different extra-curricular things by the time they each reach kindergarten. we will not buy into the pill that society is pushing. we love hanging out at our house. we love just playing and hanging out. having no agenda and no rushing around to do. i used to not be so much this way. i have been a social butterfly my whole life. i love being around people. i still do. unfortunately, because of this illness, i have been forced to be home a lot more than i would like. but, that has given me a whole new dose of perspective, that's for sure. it has given me a whole new dose of a lot of things, but one thing is for sure, i have grown to love down time. i used to hide from it, be allergic to it, and down right fear it. but, now i like just sitting with nothing to do and either staring at my kids when they don't know i am, watching a mindless show, sitting on my back porch and listening to god talk to me through the multitude of different pitches in the birds that sing to each other ant to me.....all of it is nice. i appreciate it all so much more now. with small kiddos, down time is few and far between. quiet time is rare. which is why i HIGHLY suggest if not down right insist to my pals who are floating (ok, holding onto dear life amidst the turrenitial waves) in the same boat i am of this stage of motherhood...GET UP EARLIER THAN YOUR KIDS AND SPEND THOSE FIRST FEW PRECIOUS, QUIET MOMENTS...YOUR BEST MOMENTS..WITH GOD EACH DAY!!! talk about the only way t make it through the day. amen and amen to that. but for now, it is 2:46 in the afternoon and i hear sweet sister friend fussing...probably threw both her "night-nights" (pacifiers) out of her crib...so for now the down time is over, but it's all good....because we have not scheduled 149 things to do in the next 3 days. life is good. God is good. maybe after she does finally give in and fall asleep, maybe i'll go float in the pool and rest. i am feeling decent today, so that would help me feel good. maybe i'll read. maybe i'll cuddle with jacob. maybe i'll nap. maybe i'll....

graduation

my sweet jacob graduated from kindergarten this past friday. sigh. i can't get over how big he is. i know it sounds completely cliche, but it truly does just feel like yesterday that i was giving birth to the sweet baby and hearing the charming doctor say, and i quote, "good Lord this kid has a big head!" thanks doc. i hadn't even pushed him out at that point, so that was such a great thing to hear. seriously though, where in the world did the past five and 2/3 (yes, jacob is keeping track) years go? how did he get so big? and so smart? and his legs so long? and his feet so huge? i used to be able to sit and watch tv with his entire little body tucked up asleep on me from my chin to my belly button. ryan and i used to take turns at who would get to sit with him like that, and he would just lie there on his belly, all tucked up and sleep for hours. that was just the other day, wasn't it? and now, i've blinked and he's standing on a stage with a bright red cap and gown (yes, i know...caps and gowns for kindergarten graduation, are you kidding me? over the top? maybe. but over the top in the most precious and adorable way!), all big and proud and fine, blowing his kazoo and singing something about how kindergarten was fun and now his time is done....zoom, blink, there went 5 and 2/3 years. of course, i know he is actually doing kindergarten again at "the big school" next year because of his august 31st birthday, we decided this was by far the best choice for him. but still, this whole graduation thing still hit me. hard. my sweet baby boy, my firstborn...so big and grown up. becoming so independent. i can't help but think sometimes when i go and wake him up in the mornings, i sing my little wake-up song "this is the day that the Lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it" and he and benjamin groan and groggily toss and turn...and i scoop them both up, and i honestly think sometimes...how much longer do i have? how long is he going to let me cuddle (or "cuggle" as benjamin says...so cute!) him like this? oh man i dread the day he doesn't want to cuddle with me. i know it will come. and it should. i don't want a "mama's boy". i want to raise strong, independent young men. but boy oh boy am i soaking up these little boys while i can. cause if these 5 and 2/3 years have gone by this quickly, i am sure the next 5 and 2/3 will go even faster...and oh my goodness gracious, then jacob will be 11 and benjamin will be 9 and God help us all, miss abigail will be 7....sigh. i am so thankful for this time. this little bitty time when they are small and i can pick them up. when they still need me for stuff. does it absolutely wear me out sometimes? no, it absolutely wears me out ALL the time. but God i thank you for it. because i will never get it back. they will never be small again, and so i thank you for times like this that i stop and look at them longer and stare at them..these blessings you have given me. i am beyond blessed. thank you God. thank you.

here we go....

so here i am on my couch...shocker...no. i have been on my couch for the better part of the last seven months. why, you ask? oh, for a myriad of reasons. it started with severe headaches that turned out to be a spinal fluid leak. then, my pituitary gland quit working correctly (what is a pituitary gland? i know, my exact thought!) which has caused many other random problems. what problems it hasn't caused, the obscene amount of steroids (no, not the "i want to pump (clap!) you up!" kind) have. so...i have lived the better part of the last seven months from my couch, (yes, i have formed a nice permanent divit into one cushion) unable to function much. unable to live my life. unable to raise my three adorable kiddos. why is this happening? why am i not better yet? why in the world can't the MANY doctors i have seen figure this out? i have absolutely NO idea. but i do know God. and i know He is good. all the time. He can't be anything but that. so...i have decided to start blogging. i needed to months ago. really, i did. i love to write. anyone who knows me at all knows i talk way too much. and i have had waaaaaay too much alone time over these last seven months with my social calendar coming to a screeching halt, so writing should be a good release for me. i will try to keep this up. who knows what all i will talk about. i will probably use this to update on my medical drama, and trust me, there is drama. i will probably use this to vent about this and that. i will probably use this to talk about my silly and fun family. i will probably use this to speak openly to the nothingness that is the void of "out there" cyberspace world, and who knows who would read it? i will definitely use it to praise God every chance i get for sticking with me through it all and for not giving up on my scrawny neck...in spite of my pity parties...and my worry fits...and my "why me?!? moments that happen way too often. so, friend or stranger...whoever you are....i guess this is where we begin. welcome. not sure what you are getting into. not sure what i am getting into. but i guess....here we go.......