ok, so i am aware that nowadays when someone hears the name of george michael, they may be inclined to think negative thoughts. i get that. he is, um, shall we say...older...yet has...um, had a little "help" in not looking older, maybe. did i say that nicely? and then there's his "life choices" and all of that. ok, i get all that. but, c'mon....anyone who is around my age (especially us girls) can vividly remember the super cool music video from the man back in '87...cool bomber glasses....leather jacket....guitar....ultra rad black and white video, except for the acid washed, holey jeans (quite snugly fitting, too) that were bright blue. way. too. cool....dude. :)
i loved that song. it was so much fun to sing. and i got to have faith-a, faith-a, faith-ahhh...and who can't help but shake a little booty when they hear that rhythm?? now, as an adult, i can see that the lyrics weren't so much about having the kind of faith that i would recommend to you or i, but as a silly, young girl, i had no idea. sidenote: i've found that out a lot in my adulthood actually...it is amazing what happens when you listen to a song with "grown up ears" and think, "oh my goodness, that is what they are saying! that is what that song was about!" yikes!
well, friend...let me say to you that my faith-a, faith-a, faith-ahhh has been tested quite a bit lately. today was no different. here i am, on week SIX of being out of the hospital and i don't even want to waste your time with all of the run arounds i have been through. i mean, really. it is almost laughable. almost. ok, not so much.
my pain has only gotten worse. my "medical plan" has become no more clear than it was the day i got home from the hospital. in fact, it has gotten cloudier and muddier day by day.
and today was the straw.
you know the expression...the straw that broke the camel's back. funny visual really...a big ol' fat, ugly, smelly, spittin' camel with straw being stacked on its back. a piece of straw weighs like, what...1/10 of an ounce?? but stack 'em up for a while...all day every day....let's say for about a year or so (ok, i'm actually only at 11 months and three weeks here)...and then there's that straw...that ONE little bitty straw, and that is the one that sends that HUGE animal to its knees. such an interesting phrase. such a powerful visual.
but let's be honest, i have been on my knees for a while, so really not all that accurate for me, eh? :) i genuinely love how God keeps letting me go to my knees and yet He meets me there....every.single.time.
today was the culmination of yet another week of waiting for a procedure that is designed to provide relief for this spinal fluid leak thing. red tape with doctors, mis-communication, all of it has happened. i have been ok. not thrilled, but patient and faithful. i have been thankful for how God has shown me a few victories as to WHY there have been some delays. that has been a blessing. but, i honestly thought this thing would happen this week. (ok, ok, and last week and the week before) but, i'm not kidding friend, i just keep getting a BIG FAT no to so many things i would like to happen....like the whole healing thing. yep..big fat no after big....fat....no.
so, i am focusing on strengthening my faith right now. it is nighttime. i feel AWFUL, this is my worst time of day. tomorrow is friday, the day i thought this would all be resolved, fixed, "healed" by. and friend, i am strengthening my faith for it. regardless, tomorrow is going to come. and i want to face it with a right heart. a submissive heart. God knows how i have felt this evening since i got the latest big fat no. in fact, He has always known what He gets when it comes to me. He made me.
but tonight i am focusing on faith (a, faith-a, faith-ahhh) :)
i believe that i will be healed. i KNOW i will be back to my "normal" life soon. now, i do not know what "soon" is in His terms. i know for a FACT that they aren't as quick as my terms, and you know what, i have to be ok with that. but i also love what my sweet friend told me recently, "Jesus didn't call us to an impossible life." love that! and it is true, friend. He hasn't allowed anything to come to me that He won't deliver me through, or give me strength to endure. and can i be frank with you?? God must think i am a stinkin' body builder lately. :) i don't feel like i'm that strong, but i do trust Him.
mark 11:22-24 tells us to "Have faith in God, Jesus answered. I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
important things about this verse....Jesus is telling us to have faith, plain and simple. and i believe it is important to speak out this faith, which is why i am telling all of you lovely people that i will be healed. your mouth is very powerful and what comes out of it is too. i have heard the analogy of a parent saying that their child wanted a new pair of shoes. so the mom told them that soon they would go get new shoes. how do you think that parent would feel if for the next two weeks, all that child did was walk around saying "i won't ever get those shoes! i'm going to be barefoot forever! everyone else has shoes and i have nothing!" that wouldn't really help the process would it? as a mom, it wouldn't make me want to go out and buy shoes for my kiddo. but what if that child spent those two weeks saying every chance they got, "i can't wait to get those shoes! i know you will get them for me and i am already so thankful for them! those will be the best shoes ever!" change of heart. change of attitude. change of faith.
now, we are blessed that God is a better parent than we are. He doesn't react to our impatience like i would as a mom. and i don't think he is sitting up there waiting for me to "pray the right prayer" or "say the right thing". i do KNOW that He is allowing this for whatever reason that i can't understand and so until then, i will just have to wait for my "shoes" and only i can choose how i wait for it.
i do believe that i will be healed. i do not doubt. in fact, i believe that i have received it, whether i see it in my body yet or not!
in fact, hebrews 11;1 says to do that..."Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
trust me, i do NOT see it, or feel it for that matter. but, i believe it. i am certain of it.
now i will just wait. again. His timing is best. my timing is not.
the sooner we (maybe you don't struggle with this as i do?!) realize that He can be trusted with every little and big thing...the sooner our faith grows even more...we release that bigger, stronger faith...and then we act accordingly. we SHOW that faith by walking day in and day out with whatever comes our way. or, in some cases, we LIE DOWN day in and day out....with whatever comes our way. all the while, strengthening our faith-a, faith-a, faith-ahhhh. :)